Dear July #4 | Sick of everything

Dear July

Let me express my anger today

I feel sick

Sick to the bone

Like i can't even breathe without getting sick and angry today. I don't know what's wrong with me, maybe because the Holiday is over and i have to get back to my boring life. There's no vacation for me, that making it even worst. i've been grumpy since last night. I feel the pain that not even yet exist.
I get annoyed easily , and people seems irritates me intentionally to make me feeling bad about myself.

someone told me that I shouldn't put myself down all the time but it ain't work that easy.
The hardest part about this stage of depression is to cry myself to sleep every time at night and woke up feeling shit but i need to get myself together because its the only thing that I have to do. And then I have to faking smiles ,pretending to love my job,be nice to everyone who hates me so much. That's just the shit that I have been through this holiday


ugh

sorry July

This is my fault,

the depression and anxiety won again this time

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Dear July #3 | The Fate

Dear July

I've been spending my time searching a good icon for this post, i don't wanna be too pretentious, i think.

I can't believe it's already 23rd of you and somehow i just wrote you a couple times when i'm not procrastinating. I'm sorry i didn't wrote that much for you, July. But i still cherish the day we've spent together for this month. I've lost 5kg which i think is a good progress for me since i'm not really into work out and stuff, and that's a huge deal for me because i 'brainwashed' myself to do something with the weight.

I'm fucking overweight!! YES. that feels good to admit it. So, still trying some technique to loose a couple pounds. So yeah that was some update because i'm so happy that i finally have to motivate myself doing the right thing, not for anyone but for myself. *High Five

So, July. What i'm trying to say isn't about that at all. I wanna talks about Fate. Me and my friends having a real talk about how we all ended up to be this close until we're 25. Its shockingly amazing how Fate can be settled up this whole thing.

1. How i met Riny

It was so weird if i remember how i hate her on the first day of school when we are in high school. She is so loud, quirky, too friendly (yeah i was too cynical i think being "too friendly" is annoying), and she's talking too much in some inappropriate situation in class, especially when teacher was speaking in front of the class.

but, as the times goes by i got to know that she likes the same music as me, having a really good connection with her jokes, we even have our inside jokes. and we've been through so many fights of course because we're young and reckless. and after our last meet up, we still can't believe that we could be a friend 'til now that she has her first daughter :') awwh

2. How i met my boyfriend

(I think i've shared about this somewhere in this blog before) He's not one of the famous guy on primary school but i can tell that he's my prince charming since the first time i saw him. 

It was a very lazy day on August where my damn teacher picked me in a carnival audition (sort of.. i forgot what the even is, but i think its for the independent day) and yet i still have to drag myself to be on the line with the senior on a sunny day. And then i saw him laughing and i falling in love that easy to him. it tooks a few years to him to finally notice me and its a very surprise me that he feel the same. I guess its ridiculous how someone like him can falling with someone like me :')

See, July..

I mean, what if 'fate' doesn't exist? Am i gonna still have a friendly friend like Riny? or am i gonna get my prince charming? i don't think those all gonna happen if Fate doesn't do its Job. 

So, can you believe it that?

after all this time i never realise that FATE is having a major effect in human's life. i was so blind and numb. or maybe just having a little doubt with myself to trust anything intangible such as Fate. i don't know, but i wish you can bring a good one this time, July. Because Fate happens everyday, everytime , every single breath that we take, there's always FATE in it. God is good, he gave us all our fate, our destiny, our life in one place called earth and somehow we connect to each other with the magic of FATE.

So July, do you believe in FATE?

well i know, i do now.

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Dear July #2 | Memories

Dear July

It's almost in the middle of the month and i still can't find a better way to celebrate the days with you.

i've always wanted to write with you, especially for this last couple days.

but the procrastination demons inside me is just too strong, sorry about that, July.

Well i finally got a free day from work fr almost 2 weeks, and yay for that. it's time to find some missing piece in my life. i want to find my passions about something again, maybe started with crafting, i don't know.. we'll figured it out later.

On July 13. I never feel so devastated in my life. because that day take me back to 6 years ago when i lost my best friend, Nadya. So, i decided to visit her house, just to remembering things that i've been missed this whole times, and its very nice to catch up with her sister,Bella. She's all grown up now and it's amazing how they both looking similar. So, i borrow the old album that Nadya's keep on our early years in high school.

And i looking back to those old times together, how people in it are just changes these days. To see how weird, ugly and awkward we are on some photos makes me cringe and smiles at the same time, I mean, look at us now! We're all trying to cover up the real us with makeups, fashion and stuff. I still remember that i thought i was so cool with my short hair, and now i'm looking on those old photos again, i feel so sorry about my younger self. Everybody on those old photographs is having their life changes, and i still feel the same way about myself.. insecure about how i look. And i saw Nadya's photos from time to time since we're in Primary school until we're in college.She's not change, apparently. The Beauty inside her is reflecting through her smile and her eyes. I wonder how she's gonna look on this day if she were here right now, ugh so stunning, of course.

I love capturing the memories about her with my heart, because memories will fade if you don't save it in your heart. Memories is now i have since she left. Those old album is my reminder, all the good times we had, all the fights we've had, and all the laughs we shared. That precious moment is EVERYTHING to me. i don't wanna forget it. I don't wanna forget her.

So, July

You mean so much to me , i hope you always come visits me every year. To be my reminder about my old memories i've had with my best friend. i'm afraid at time i get older, i'm gonna slowly sinking and forget some of memories i had. so i hope you don't mind to be my favourite reminder.

Thanks for the memories, July.

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Dear July #1

Dear July
It is that time again. We finally meet again. How are you, July? And i know you don't have to ask about me because you clearly see that i am a lot more excited to welcomed you again.
So July, What's your story?
Are you gonna shares your windy days with the kids playing in the afternoon at the park?
Are you gonna shares the euphoria of the old friends that reunited together again after a long time?
There's so much i want to dig in about you this time.
Because, i waste my time for thinking too hard lately. Typical me, overthinking again.
but seriously, i have a question for you, July.

Where the hell am i when the times goes by? Do you even realize that i can't even notice you're finally here?

I lost a lot of times.

There's not enough time to see myself and my old pals having a great laugh, we used to be so carefree. The old stories always come back and hit me hard and it makes me questioning myself "Where the hell am i this whole time?What did i miss?" Suddenly everyone is having a baby, and prepared to have another one.

I don't know, July.. i think Times just cheat on me, or maybe cast a spell on me, so i just stand freeze this whole time without knowing there are a lot of chances that passed me by. Seriously i don't know what's wrong with me.

And now i hope you'll gonna help me with those issues. help me to fix everything. i don't need another argument, drama or an indirect feeds. I just want you to be kind and easy to me. I've been struggle so please make it easy for me, July.

Its a little bit too late to "Dear" you again, i'm sorry. But i hope we can always talk through this letter.

I look out for your warmness, July.

Welcome back again.

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I know how it feels

When you woke up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep because a lot of things suddenly came out of nowhere in your mind, you started thinking about your life, your future, who you are, and even questioning about what you doing in your life. A lot of deep questions haunted you at night, i don't know why but somehow it helps you to figure out some solution when you have problem battling with yourself.

People come and go, some was born to stay in your life but they'll leave you too. sooner or later. The only thing that's gonna stay is only memories. Memories are strong and unforgettable, a single song can leads you back to those days where you laughing with your best friends on high school, or a windy days that makes you miss your Grandma so much it hurts until you cried, or those days when you go for vacation with your parents in a summer, and a smell of perfume that reminds you of your used-to-be Prince Charming. All of those people come and go for a reason, not just for a lesson to you, but a lot of memories to keep you going with your life and a snap to the reality that you are still there, stronger than before. 

Every fights that you've been through with your friends, your family, your significant other is always gonna be your power to encourage yourself to be better, it wasn't supposed to drown you but raising you up to see the higher level on your life. from those little fights with your friends, you realize that people are different souls that combined in a single flesh and they never fail to surprised you how you still need learn to care about other people feelings and mind. We are unique. We have opinions, and its amazing how those opinions becomes a way out to your problems if they got combined together. 

Maybe , that's life. thats just how we should live. To thinking, To Reminiscing, and To Learning. We all know how it feels to be like this, to be unsure, to feel lost and all of those pain is just a reminder that YOU ARE ALIVE.

Embrace it.

Ai

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