Sometimes I think , I am happy because I have all the time I want to do
anything I want... other times I just need someone there for me, but then again
thing is though..people just use me all the time. The friends that I
have had, they all just use me for either School,homework,or money and i end up always
doing them favours all the time . things like that, and it makes me
really sad and not want any friends if that makes sense.
Having no friends has basically stopped me from trying to make friends due to my fear of being found out or whatever.It's really unfair when others judge you and feel mean to me because i haven't got a massive set of friends. They must be shallow people
anyway who look at friends as toys.
but
I can think of a few reasons why that is the case. The major one is
being shy. But overall, I think that it's probably that the problem is
with 'them' and not me. How many people have you met who aren't envious
of you for whatever the reason may be? How many didn't brag about what
they have? How many never stabbed you in the back? These are the reasons
why some of us put up a wall. So, maybe they are the problem and not us.
It's not like i NEVER TRY. i always try. so hard. but it feels like the people here where I live seem to be very clicky. Everytime I try to make a friend, they put up a wall and I feel rejected,I just want to meet some people that will accept me for me.
I have a big heart and I don't judge anyone. No one is perfect. I have
made some bad decisions and just want to move on. I just never feel good
enough.
the only friends i have only talk to me when they want something from
me, or need me to do something for them. i have been like this for my
whole life, no one seems like they like me. when i was in Junior high school, people
look down at me, only 2 or 3 people take pity in the fact i have NO ONE
to do anything with. So, this keeping me to build my wall even higher, as sad as this sounds, i am used to doing stuff by myself, like movies
or shopping. anything that someone would want a freind for, i always
do alone or sometimes with my boyfriend. He's the only one that always listen to me.
I have 3 friends, They always sending me texts or email saying they miss me & that we
need to get together but all the time I make plans to do so when the
time arrive is always something. One of the girls I have know its that
she make time for me when her BFF are not around. Is sad to say but
that's always been
Part of my life others take advantage of me. Now that I''m learning how
to speak my mind I come out like I'm the bad person always. I only have
my mum and my boyfriend that I can say they are very true to me I do most
of my stuff with them but they also have a life on their own and when
that happen, I do most of my things alone. and sometimes it make me feel
sad but then I see is part of who I am and only me can change it.
True to be say those 2 so-called friends I'm taking them out my life I
don't need people like that around me.
since i have grown up i have come to realise that my so-called "friends"
do not contact me unless they want something from me, they never
randomly text or call me to see how i am.
And i have to always contact them
and go and see them instead of them coming to my house, they have there
own clicky gangs and i dont seem to be considered to be invited out with
them .
i have been given advice from a therapist to join an activity
class or do a hobby outside of the house to meet new people and as much as i
want to believe them, in the back of my mind.. im always thinking, "what
if im left out again, what if they dont like me, what if they use me
like the rest of my so-called friends?"
And the worse is i always feel awkward at social events and parties because I'm just not really into that sort of stuff. I would rather grab a coffee and some crisps at home than to go drinking or hanging out with (mostly) random folks.
So i used to be feel so alone and depresses that my mum take me to see a psychologist and tried to
solve my problem. She told me that I have some kind of personality
disorder. People assume that I'm shy-kind of person and reserved so they
never make the first move to talk to me. THIS IS RIDICULOUS! i don't think that the main reason, so i stop seeing her at the 3rd meeting. i do have some problems like depression and anxiety but it was mainly
due to bullying in school and unpleasant people degrading me like the
teachers, my seniors,some bitchies from school or pretty much everyone i knew.
Things are tough, i always
seem to be kinder to people but yet they cant accept me for who i am, i
am not weird ..i act pretty normal even with lots of issues i have dealt
with, i just don't know what to do, why can't someone be there for me
without any reason? i want to have true friends who will be always there
for me no matter what,I used to have one but God sent her to heaven :( now i still finding but its like looking for a needle
in a haystack, basically i am sad, confused and lost.
And now you know why i sometimes rude and harsh to others.
Thanks for your understanding.
