Maybe it's time to be careless

There's a quote saying "Care too much, they'll hurt you" . I'm not a big fan of quotes but there are some of quote that related so much with me and its impossible to be ignorant toward something that really describing your feeling.

We're all human , with mistakes. And you should know what right position to yourself in this life. Someone out there are playing The Listener for all their life, Or a Shoulder To Cry On. Its your choice. Well Maybe for all this time, i've been playing the role as a Good Friend. Like the one who always be there when you need someone to talk to because your other friends don't care about you. or like the one who always gonna be there to gave the advice you really want to hear to make you feel more better, the one who's gonna hold your hands when you're in the lowest point of your life, the one who's gonna try to look strong for you, and the one who always puts your name into her prays. Yeah, i notice it always makes me feel good when i can help someone to stood up for their problems. And the Role that doesn't fit with me is like when they get back to their happy normal life, i'm suddenly become invisible. None. Gone. I'm the one that doesn't got invited to a party, i'm not that friends who's gonna raise your popularity, i'm not that friend you should brag about, because i have nothing but advice and words when you sad. I'm not fashionable, i'm a weirdo. You don't wanna hang out with weirdo, right?. So, i made a point that i'm not Playing The Good Friend, but The Secret Friend.

It's hurt. i have feelings to. And in some case, being invisible friends can really that bad. For example, if someone is ever talking to me and another person, they will always give the other person way more eye contact and hardly look at me at all. I don't know why. I am giving them eye contact & trying to appear interested. And I often feel like people don't even hear what I say. I have to wait until everyone is completely quiet for them to recognize I'm even commenting (but it's not that I'm speaking too quietly, it's just no one is paying attention to me). It hurts my feelings because I am trying to be social, but for some reason, I am just invisible. I guess it has been said. People can easily detect nervousness or shyness in others, and they must immediately default to the person that has the best social skills. I'm not sure how we can get people's attention back when our confidence is continually reduced because of these scenarios.

Sometimes I think it's worse than being disliked, lonely or unloved. Feeling INVISIBLE that is. Being alone in a world full of people. It's like you are not even worthy of the emotions of others because somehow or other you don't count. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a highway waving my arms & yelling 'I'm standing right here" I'm here too" "Hello do you see me?" while the cars systematically drive around me like the median in the road.

I always keep it real when someone ask my opinion. Whether it's going to be hurt when you hear it or not. But i always said what's on my mind. But, still i'm the one who's suddenly become invisible when they're on the top of their life. Like i'm never even been on their life. Well thanks for that, i finally done playing my role. I don't wanna be those friends you always gives you the information you need about what happens in life, and then when you feel much better you can get rid off me. I'm not a bandage.

I'm assessing what friendships I should keep and ones to let go. I'm tired of trying to fit in with them. I'm being myself and if they don't like me for who I am then thats their loss. I did my best. I'm certainly not a doormat. Life is too short to worry about people like that. It seems what I'm doing isn't enough.

And what i really hate the most is when i finally decided to confronted it to their face, they always makes excuses and in a such big denial. And trying to make me feel ok by saying "You're the only one who knows me very well, you're the one who always listened to me, you're the only friend i love to talk to and blahblah.." To make me stay. Such an evil way to make me feel like shit 

i'm told I don't open up or talk enough, but when I do, people don't listen and if they do, they soon forget the heart to heart conversations.

Truth be known, most people talk about themselves or worse brag about themselves. Why do you think Facebook is so popular? Maybe, they don't feel comfortable enough with who they are and they need to take the edge off.

 I know it gets lonely at times. Most people are lonely, most won't admit to it. Most people don't even know who they even are, they are too consumed trying to be who they think others want them to be.

So, i just think to myself that i'm far too worthy a person to be ignored by others and that maybe i deserve much better in company on my life.

It is better to know yourself and love yourself.

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Bullshit!

Oh well

lately i've been thinking about how sick i am with certain people on my social network.

Bragging , lied , and act differently when they're in social media. Why?

Ada kalanya jadi "penonton" menjadi kegiatan ketidaksengajaan yang bikin aku muak sendiri, apalagi yang disaksikan suka bertingkah like "hey its okay to wear fakeness , everyone does it. YEAH? "

Banyak yang berlomba menciptakan sebuah Image dimana dia akan merasa derajat nya terangkat oleh status bullshit di 140 karater nya di twitter atau pun social media lain nya. Dan posisi sebagai penonton akan membuat mu semakin muak ketika kamu mengetahui kenyataan dari sebuah cerita pencitraan tersebut adalah PALSU.

Yeah well kinda hard to explain. But i seriously laughing sarcastically everytime i saw this certain people trying to act like an upper high class when they really are only an ordinary normal people with mistakes.

Yes, I am allergic to bullshit, when someone comes around that is full of it, my allergy to it begins to act up. Best allergy I ever had because it can detect bullshit just by me hearing it. I dont play games. Ive got more important things to deal with then your bullshit so dont bother. 

I'll just walk away casually laughing at you for trying :)) *grab popcorns and keep watching your drama

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THE FAULT IN OUR STARS TRAILER

YAY CAN'T WAIT FOR JUNE!!

I'm not a big fan of book. Seriously, i don't have a shelf special for books. Bisa dihitung seberapa banyak buku yang aku punya. Sebagian besar Kamus bahasa inggris, kamus bahasa jepang dan beberapa novel R.L Stine. Aku dulu penggemar novel misteri ketika berumur 11 tahun. Itu pengaruh teman sebayaku yang memang kebanyakkan suka baca Novel seperti Ghostbumps, dan Fear street. Sampai menginjak usia remaja, aku masih malas membaca Novel apalagi percintaan, sekalipun baca teenlit itu juga nebeng sama temen dan bacanya pun gak pernah selesai, paling cuma buat ngisi waktu pas kelas meeting doang. 

Dan waktu itu aku nemanin pacar jalan ke Gramedia buat nyari referensi skripsi doi, awalnya sih aku berjalan melihat-lihat dibagian tutorial kerajinan tangan aja, atau ke bagian psikologi. Aku senang membaca sesuatu tentang psikologi. Sampai akhirnya aku stuck di depan bookshelf yang isinya teenlit semua. Sesekali aku baca rangkuman cerita di balik bukunya. Rata-rata isinya sama kayak sinetron di Indonesia. Males . 

Sampai akhirnya aku tertarik dengan judul yang dari covernya aja udah menarik "The Fault in our stars" pas ngeliat pengarangnya John Green, aku makin tertarik karena selama ini aku mengenal john green lewat Youtube Channel nya bersama Hank Green di VlogBrothers. Akhirnya aku putuskan membeli buku itu.

Bukunya tebal banget, awalnya aku pesimis akan menyelesaikan nya dalam 1 hari. Tapi di tiap halaman yang ku baca , ada semacam ikatan emosional dengan karakter nya. Aku mulai tertarik dan semakin penasaran sama akhir ceritanya. 

Well  aku selesai membacanya selama 1 hari. Gak nangis sih seperti kebanyakkan yang orang bilang bakalan nangis bacanya, aku malah Kagum dan mengidolakan jalan ceritanya yang mampu membuat emosi pembaca masuk kedalam ceritanya. 

Aku pikir kenapa buku ini gak di angkat ke layar lebar ya? kayaknya seru kalau jadi film. Hampir kurang lebih seperti "My sister's Keeper" sama "A walk to remember" bedanya disini , kedua tokohnya mengidap penyakit yang sama mematikan nya. 

Dan ternyata, memang bener nih buku di angkat jadi film. Aku sempat beberapa kali ngintip Behind the scene nya yang di upload sama John Green di Channel nya. Setelah beberapa bulan akhirnya tibalah trailer nya di Youtube. 

Aku gak pernah se excited ini (Like Harry potter premiere and Lord of the rings trailer) gak sabaran nunggu film nya bakal di tayangkan bulan Juni.

For those who haven't read the book , i recommended you to read it. NOW!

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