Dear July #3

Dear July

I can't believe it's the last day of you on this year. I feel useless because i only wrote you 3 letters. I don't wanna start blaming my activity and how busy i am lately. You just too special to me, July. The surprises that you gave to me this year is unbelievable. You cut away my depression and anxiety , you bring back all of my long lost friend, you fix my broken hearted , you blowing the good air and perfect warm beeze to my morning until evening, you make me happy again , and you taught me to be strong again. 

That's why i'm a little sad, July. 

I can't predict August, it seems pretty plain and boring unlike you. I'm just afraid that August gonna drown me and then i'll be depressed again. I'm afraid that August will ignore me. 

Maybe its just me and my fear that gonna left in August. Not trying to sound cliche but i love this quote.

"Sure, I fear oblivion. But, I mean, not to sound like my parents, but I believe humans have souls, and I believe in the conservation of souls. The oblivion I fear is something else, fear that I won’t be able to give anything in exchange for my life. If you don’t live a life in service of a greater good, you’ve gotta at least die a death in service of a greater good, you know? And I fear that I won’t get either a life or a death that means anything"  - Augustus Waters

I was having a nightmares the other day that i'm not gonna make it until December, and trust me it scares the hell out of me. I am terrified enough to know if i'm gonna die, no one would really remember me as ME again. They just see me as a dead body without soul. And how Augustus Waters explained about his fear of oblivion, is just describe what i feel inside as well. This sacred thoughts of dead is making me crazy. And the thought of Oblivion itself just really works even before i'm dead. I see people come and go in my life, some 

are being good by coming back , and some are just lost and forget about me like a strangers on the street.

When you're done with the world, you're just forgotten. That's fucked up. Who's gonna keep praying for me, who's gonna pray for my sins, and i never done something good to make myself to be remember in this world. I don't wanna be a Hero, I just wanna be that one person that people always remember. 

aren't we humans somehow know within us that we were not meant to be forgotten. We know that we were made for something bigger? And i did nothing except regrets the mistakes i've made.

Maybe i don't want the world to know me, July. I already surround by people i love. And i know they won't forget about me. 

and then i saw this :

The fear of oblivion can only be present when you know you will be forgotten. If you are assured that you will be remembered, the fear will not exist. In my case, I do not fear it. In this world, my fame might not spread and I don’t need it to because everything in this world will fade away. In other words, everything this world holds is subject to oblivion. What I’m concerned about is if the eternal being – God, will remember me. If God remembers me then I am satisfied and my fear of being forgotten has been buried.
I know God remembers me the moment He created me. Problem is, HOW will He remember me? I want to be remembered as a warrior – someone who fought for what my God is. Someone who was fierce in His trust and relationship with his Lord. Someone who was dangerous in his belief that no one who opposes him will remain clueless about what has happened. I want to be remembered by my God. I do not fear oblivion. I hope and pray that you will want that eternity with me.

How will God remember me? I came to conclusion that being remember by God as a good Human is good enough than being remember as a good human to humans but still wrong in front of God. I don't know about this, but i know all of our stories has been written, July. How we came into this world, and how we gonna leave this world, everything. Its written perfectly neat by the Hand of God. We should have no doubt and fear about that. 

So July, I guess i'll see you again next year, i'm gonna keep the stories of us in my heart. Do not fear Oblivion, July. You have me and 7 billions people in this world to keep you in their mind. And I thank you for coming surprisingly good this year. I will remember you , and please don't forget me, July. 

See you again

Ai

(Thanks to Emily Diana Ruth for this beautiful project)

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Dear July #2

Dear July

I remember the last time i was trying so hard to be good enough. It never really successful. I keep failed and failed on the second chances, not that it was my intention to be failed, but i realise its their expectation on me that keep pulling me back to the ground.
But with the power that left in my body, i keep trying to get back and fight again. No matter how hard and painful it is. Words might hurt me but it never really bring me down. Not this time.

And i'm glad that you're around ,July
Every good things is happen on this month, I fix some of my friendship issues , now everyone is happy too.

And i'm still amazed how you can run so fast,July. I don't want you go . not yet. You're always full of surprise.

Please slown down a little bit

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Dear July (inspired by Emily diana ruth)

Dear July
I know it so late and i'm good at procrastinating. I was wondering to myself this whole times. "Could this time be any better?" Or "should i try harder?" All of the moment in my life whether it good or bad always lead me to those questions.
But,July.. Aren't we all should questioning ourselves somehow? To help us feel better about anything that unexpectedly happen in our life.
And i've lost everything, i've got nothing left to lose. The small part of myself is missing something but the other part of myself is making it hard to remember what i've been missed.
And July, maybe this is me trying to remember every good memories and i need your help.
I want to find those tiny piece of memories to complete me.

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Dad, I miss you

Entahlah harus bagaimana mengungkapkan kerinduan ku pada sosok papa yang dulu selalu ada di hidupku. Bukan berarti sekarang dia sudah tidak ada, tetap ada namun keberadaannya sekarang bukan untukku si Putri Semata Wayang nya yang dulu selalu dia banggakan. Papa adalah sosok seorang Ayah yang sempurna bagiku. Jadi, siapapun saat ini yang menjadi keluarga barunya, sangatlah beruntung. 

Dulu kami (Aku, Mama dan Papa) tinggal dirumah sederhana yang jauh dari kesan mewah ini bersama Nenek, dan semenjak kepergian nenek ke surga beberapa tahun yang lalu, maka tinggal lah kami bertiga. Rasanya jarang rumah ini sunyi, selalu dipenuhi tawa dan canda ceria atau sekedar guyonan lucu papa yang suka bikin aku dan mama ternahak-bahak. Keceriaan yang Beliau bawa untuk seisi rumah sungguh membantu kami semua melewati hari yang terkadang berat, Papa sudah lumayan berumur, tapi energy positif beliau yang selalu ceria, dan energik membuat suasana dirumah berasa lebih nyaman. Hal itu tidak hanya berlaku di dalam rumah saja, tapi tetangga sekitar pun sering dibuat tertawa oleh papa. 

Aku mungkin selama ini tidak bersyukur, Papa memang seorang Ayah yang selalu mengkhawatirkan orang yang dia sayangi. Bahkan terkadang berlebihan, Papa membuatku tidak nyaman ketika dia harus menungguku pulang sekolah setiap hari jauh dari sebelum jam pulang, padahal aku masih pengen kumpul bareng teman. Papa selalu Jagain aku, bahkan disekolah pun selalu di telepon kapan pulang, hal ini berlaku sampai hari ini disaat aku memasuki dunia kerja. Beliau kerap memastikan kapan aku pulang, apakah aku lembur dsb. Hal itu mengesankan bahwa papa terlalu memanjakan aku. Pernah dulu aku dibilang anak manja karena papa selalu overprotektif kepadaku. Seiring aku beranjak dewasa, rasanya perhatian beliau yang berlebih membuatku merasa seperti anak kecil. Dan kini, semenjak Papa gak tinggal dirumah ini lagi, rasanya aku merindukan diperlakukan seperti anak kesayangan satu-satunya. 

Papa kini tinggal bersama keluarga barunya, Anak perempuan nya yang kini berusia 4 tahun menjadi prioritas utama dan merupakan Alasan papa untuk tidak bisa pergi begitu saja meninggalkan keluarga barunya. Aku merasa ini gak adil untuk aku apalagi mama. Kini perhatiannya spesial itu sudah menjadi milik putri barunya yang berumur 4 tahun itu. Sakit rasanya ketika aku melihat rekaman video Papa, anak nya dan istri barunya tertawa dan bercanda bersama, itu dulu adalah kenanganku, itu dulu milikku saja. Ah, iri rasanya. 

Mungkin hal itulah yang menyebabkan perasaanku mendingin, aku tak lagi tertawa dengan lelucon yang dilontarkan Papa, aku terkadang hanya menjawab pertanyaan nya dengan anggukkan, atau terkadang aku acuh ketika dia mengkhawatirkan ku. Rumah kecil yang kami tinggali saat ini pun sunyi, sepi tidak ada lagi keceriaan didalamnya.Hanya aku dan mama, kami sendiri di kamar masing-masing. Tidak lagi seperti duku ketika ada papa, Nonton diruang tamu, makan bersama di meja makan, dan masak ditengah malam karena semua pada kelaparan. Sekarang rasanya atmosfer dirumah jadi hampa dan membosankan.

Aku takut

suatu saat papa akan berhenti menyanyangi kami, keluarga nya yang dari awal selalu mendukung dia. Aku merasa sedih dan kasihan melihat perhatian papa yang terbagi disana dan disini. Seolah hari-harinya dia habiskan untuk membagi kebahagiaan di dua keluarga nya tanpa memikirkan kebahagiaannya sendiri. 

Meski tulisan ini sangat teramat mustahil dibaca oleh papa yang bisa dibilang sama sekali susah memahami internet. Aku tetap akan menyampaikan isi hati selama ini yang tidak terucap.

Dear  Daddy

It's been a very great journey this whole times. We spent a lot of time together as a father and daughter. I remember all the little things you do.

Papa selalu memberikan apapun keinginan ku, dengan segala macam cara agar anaknya ini bahagia. Tidak ada Papa yang seperti Papa. 

Dear Daddy

You are the only father who never scold, yelling or even hit your daugther, and i'm so proud to have you in my life. You always supporting me even when i'm wrong because you know that i'm too stubborn to give up. You always there when the world trying to against me in so many ways. You stand there beside me. I'm sorry for being so cold and quite in my early years. Its nothing personal, i'm just trying to build up the walls to be strong with my own strength because from now on, i know you're not gonna be there for me like you used to do. But deep in my heart, i always yearning for your care. Those awkward and cheesy jokes that you makes, or the lies that you creating to make me smile. 

Dear Daddy

I'm so sad, to see that you're getting older now, the crinkles down you chin, it reminds me of how old you are now. And somehow you still shining like a sun, bring up the joy and laughter in both sides of family.

Dear Daddy

I am your daughter, i'm the only one who's gonna take care of you when no one can't able to do that. I will always be your daughter, even when i'm getting married someday, you'll always be the greatest man in my life.

Dear Daddy

Thank you, Thank you for everything. I'm sorry i can't be the best daughter, i could never repay you. 

But i need you to know that You're my everything, My hero, And I always love you, Daddy :')

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