Another Sunny Day

So today i just woke up with strange feeling, like a vision that gave me an unusual thoughts. I'm not very good describing something but it just make me feel different. And then i took a shower and had a lots of in mind. The blurry thoughts about last night (probably) dreams that gave me this urge to forgive anyone who hurt me. And then i just follow it, i sit on the balcony right now. Hearing a holy part of qur'an through the mosque near my house. And yes, forgiving people is that easy. I let go everything to help me have a beautiful day.

And its just the other day . Sunny day.

I love having a warm windy breeze , a bright sun, and a place where's no one but me.

I miss being a student, i sometimes cried for having those days in high school or just having a day in Middle school back again

But there's nothing i can do

God have a secret plan for me in the future, i get scared of future, but its a good thing, right? So does everyone.

Now i almost cry again. I'm not trying to complaining, or ungrateful about everyhing.. I .. Sometimes just... Tired and Scared with this world.

I don't know.. I think i'm just afraid....

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Panic attack and Society

Well, its 4.30 in the morning. I just being woke up by a scary nightmare and now i can't go back to sleep and i have a headache.

Sometimes its so hard being me because i have to deal with a lot of Disorders. I never wish to be someone else but i wish i was NORMAL, like the rest of human being in this Lovely Earth.

And this is one of the night that i've been afraid of. Having a sudden Panic attack because i get terrified by my dreams of night recently. Even a little thing could be bother me so much. And i don't wanna took any medicine again because it doesn't help me at all. I'm so afraid and my thoughts at most of the night is the reason why i have such a nightmares. I'm afraid i'm gonna die by this disorders.

I don't have enough time to confess everything to God. Now i only have God cuz i've got no friends to lose literally. To Him i trust. That One day, He'll bring the Joy and Happiness through all of this sadness.

I want to be helpful..

But then the Panic attack happens. I kniw it shouldn't stop me for help people but somehow i can't manage myself to getrid out of it. It always happen and stop me from doing what i do.

Throwing back those days where i daydream to be an English teacher for the Poor Kids. But a stupid competition has ruined it and i didn't get the place i want in college. And thats why i quitted college on 2010 and continued studies about Administration for a year in a small college, at least thats why i'm best at. I graduated a year after and i still want to be a teacher.

There are so many things i still want to be achieved. I can't blame everything to my disorders. Sometimes we can't get what we wants and i know it happens for a reason.

I wanna forget the past, how i failed to pursue one dreams. I still have a thousand dreams. And i'm gonna focused on the other dreams i have right now.

And i always thought that i'm not gonna give a damn to what society wants but its not working that way. Well not that easy..

"You have to get a Degree"

"You failed and it gonna happen again"

"You're nothing"

"Nobody likes you"

"You're pathethic human being with a lot of drama in your life"

"Attention whore"

"You're worthless"

"Less than nothing"

"You're going to hell because you're wrong"

"I feel sorry for you"

"You're going to die alone"

"No one would proud of you"

"You're always wrong about anything"

"Stop breathing please"

"Bitch"

"Slut"

"Whore"

"Go kill yourself, Emo"

"Stop being such a drama queen"

"Eww you're ugly"

"Nobody wants to be your friend"

"You'll be forever alone"

"You're not educated enough to be good enough"

"You are trash"

And etc.....

Thats what society thoughts about me.

So if i'm trying to be ignorant, would they stop saying "things" about me?

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Another Story About ME

On the Anti-Bullying Day, i Posted my old scars on Instagram, Not trying to be dramatic but i want everybody knows what i did in the past is wrong. I used to feel down easily and I was the Victim of Bullying in High school. I was so stressed and Depressed at the first, i cut myself too much to hide from my reality pain. My family crisis getting worst that day but i never told it to my close friends because i'm afraid they'll avoiding me. I go to school with smile everyday cuz i want every kids at school thinks i'm the most fun girl to be around with. I joined the Volly Team,English Club and Dance Club to makes more friends, but thats making it worst. All the Jealous Seniors who Bullies me called me names, they do anything to bring me down,some are worst.. and i pretend to be igorant but it hurts deep inside. I always feel bad about myself since then.I started cutting again and it became addictive. I attempted suicide 3 times that year. I tried choking myself, drowning myself and overdosing. I couldn’t take it. I slit my wrist more and more. I almost hit a vain.

I have been a victim of bullying for 2 years in HS.

I even feel so bad about myself since i was younger.. As a little girl growing up, I’ve wanted to be the girl with the long hair and the nice figure. I didn’t start to sense my low self-esteem until I reached the age of 10. I’ve started to noticed that I wasn’t skinny like the other little girls and I didn’t see myself as a beautiful image. 

In the first middle school,By the time, I was still quiet, shy and extremely insecure. I soon began to get picked on again. i think i go in the same school, where everybody is so filthy rich, Posh, and all they have is fancy stuff, and i'm in the class where's everybody just ignored me at the first, i saw all the rich became friends easily with others, so i made a story about me is one of the Rich one (Bad idea ever).

There's always a MEAN GIRL in the class, She always talks about how much fancy stuff she had , and how she always put me down, and the words that comes out from her mouth always hurt me, she probably it was ok to making fun of others but i don't think its something i have to dealt. and on the 2nd year, i began to cut myself again. Everyone on the class doesn't know that i suffered from Personality disorders that day, they just know i'm in a hospital for an Appendix Surgery..

Whilst I have never been physically abused, I have been teased, harassed and socially isolated.

The consequences of the years of bullying are serious.

Depression. Fear of humans. Suicidal thoughts. Suicide attempts. And so much more.

It takes a lot of courage to stand before your bullies and tell them exactly how you feel. Not every victim of bullying will have that opportunity to do so. What is important is that they shouldn’t have to. Sometimes I think there would be less bullying if we were all blind.  So much bullying, teasing and outright racism comes from not understanding or being comfortable with what we see.The only way to stop being victimized by bullies is to ignore them. Although a deeply disturbed individual will not be thwarted by being ignored. Attempting to defend yourself will often play into their already demented minds and make your situation significantly worse. Confronting the bully can sometimes escalate into physical violence or even more rumors being spread.

well.. 

I just wanna inspire others and now i finally  wake up with a smile on my face knowing I am loved and still alive on this planet and I will not end my life over anybody. I am glad they did it to me because it made me who I am today. Just because I had a negative past, I am not gonna have a negative future.

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In a life of A.I

Yeah i've been such a gloomy person lately, i know. but everyone has their own gloomy day.

There are so much thing happen lately, and i've been on my worst situation where i thought i couldn't make it through a day. But, i find the right solution to get me in a right track of my life again. I mean, sort out all the dark times, throw away some bad shit and now i'm back in an (almost) happiest time of my life.

but why "almost" ?

Because i somehow still can't managed myself to do think positive, i sometimes need a mood boster too. Surprise to know that i now don't have any friends to lose. Because they're all gone and left me out again. Sad but true.But also there's a part of me that containes a lot of urge to feel happy again, being free and not to care with everyone's think about me.

And now i have to deal with myself with how to go through day without my Anti Social Personalities disorders back again. And this is making me depressed :(

And i lost in my mind lately that i sometimes being confused like "Why am i even here?" "What's my future would be like" or... "How am i gonna end up" Yeah that shit is scared me. But its okay being afraid of something. Here i am again, trying as brave as i can to manage my feeling into a good mood so i can make everyone around me be happy or smile or just...having a good time being around me, believe me its hard to raise my mood recently. Because i have trust issues that my friend left me without me knowing whats my fault. She deleting me on her contact, she cut the BFF bonds and now i finally realize that this should be one of the reason why i always afraid of having a friend. i don't wanna go back in a thoughts that "ME IS EVERYONE PROBLEMS" i don't wanna cut myself again, i'm so over it.

When i look back again, i was so ashamed. And now i just wanna be happy again. Happy and not afraid. I don't need another scars in my heart, i just need to be happy. I wish i could be positive in every step i take. I'm gonna learn how to be brave again, and i know at the end, everything will be ok. I Promise to myself.

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The one person that wasn't suppose to let you down
Probably will

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