Personal Space , Anxiety and Being Introvert (Part 2)

Some of  you guys think that i don't look like someone who suffered from anxiety disorders, all that i can say -- well you don't know me that close then.. I think i'm good at hiding it in the daily life. so, this is how i survive each time the anxiety hits me. 

So,this goes out to all those that are suffering from panic, fear and agoraphobia, I know some days can feel pretty low but hang in there, there is life after panic attacks. I suffered through occasional panic attacks that later spiraled into a crippling 5 year battle with agoraphobia and constant anxiety but through patience and determination, i got through it and so can you!
Like a lot of you, for me it started out as just an occasional nuisance. Every now and then I would get occasional panic episodes, hiccups in my otherwise normal days. That is till one day I found myself getting them more frequently, then even more frequently till they became nearly constant. Pretty soon the fear of an attack alone was enough to trigger an attack and then I became terrified of that.
My anxiety gets so bad sometimes that I would hide in my closet and crying my eyes out. I shake, cry, hyperventilate.. now that I describe it I guess I could say I have panic attacks pretty much every single night. And I have trouble speaking to people I tend to choke a lot and I also have trouble maintaining eye contact, basically i am very self conscious. When i try to tell a joke or a story i cant really get beyond 2 sentences when i start chocking and often times they see me struggling so they either help me find the words or end up interrupting me.
Sometimes i have the feeling that I creep people out because I cant maintain a proper conversation, eye contact and from time to time I become completely silent, I just cant find anything to say.

Eventually I just became scared of the whole world and everything in it, that's when I developed Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia made me shutter myself from the world till one day I just had enough. One day you just have to accept that it's all in your head and you can’t control everything around you or even in you. That's right you can't always control what goes on in your body. Hypochondria was a big cause of my panic episodes, but the truth is whether or not you get some terrible disease is out of your hands so what’s the point in worrying about it!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that half of life is just pure chance, so enjoy it. Once I accepted that I can’t control everything not only was that the beginning of the end of my panic and agoraphobia, but it was the first step in a journey that would lead me to travel around much of the world..., alone! Ever since overcoming panic and fear, I've loved, enjoyed life more passionately and deeply than anyone who hasn't been through this sort of thing can ever hope to imagine, and you can too.

 Hang in there, don't give up, I know some days can get pretty bad when you're struggling with fear, but a beautiful, bright future awaits you if you just hang in there.

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Personal space, Anxiety and Being Introvert (Part 1)

Yes

I need my personal space.

I don't like when it's invaded.  I hate when people come into my room, or even stand in certain sections of it.  It irritates the hell out of me, and at times I'll even tell them to move "You can't stand in that area.  It's mine.  Get out."  I'll usually only be that blunt with my Nieces, as their usually the only ones who are bold enough to so blatantly invade it.  

I also hate when people are in my bed, especially when I'm not.  I don't want anyone in there.  It feels invasive.

And my computer.  I hate it when anyone is on it, unless they're using the guest account. Or when someone's in the room with me, and I feel like they're looking over at what I'm doing.  Or when someone uses it when I'm not home, and I hadn't logged off.  That's the worst, because I could have left something on there that they could see.  I don't want them to know what I do on here, even if it isn't anything they'd consider "bad."  It's personal, and I don't want other people involved.  

It drives me nuts when people come into my "personal space" who aren't invited in. Some people are allowed to cross the "barrier" but about 99% of people I want out and at a distance. It just makes me so incredibly uncomfortable. I hate it. I want them away from me even if it means that I have to get up and move away from them. 

I have this odd inability where if I'm trying to do something around people I feel much more stressed and feel an intense desire to leave or wish they would go away. I feel like i'm too aware of other people.

I have always been a "private" type person.  I need my own space.

I'm an introvert with a lot of disorders, like Social Introvert....someone who likes to socialize with 1 or 2 people at a time and for only a couple of hours then back to the peaceful comfort of home--THAT'S ME!

It all makes sense now. I've never considered myself shy BUT I've never enjoyed large gatherings of people, weddings, birthday parties etc. The moment I show up to an event, I'm already planning my escape.
Don't you love your extrovert friends who are convinced that if you got out more, you would have more fun! When I was younger, I thought there must be something wrong with me....so I forced myself to go to different events. Maybe over time I would learn to love it! NOT. I no longer force myself to go to events.I can have my personal space , and yes its killing me being around with all of those people.Everything i do are always related to my Anxiety.

Personal Space is one thing, but Anxiety is another. I will always find a way to coped with my anxiety, but when someone invades my personal space, it feels so annoying and i sometimes wanna punch them in the face.

I was writing this around my nieces, what i hate about them is that they always be the one who breaking in my personal space, the elder one keep staring at my computer screen , they always been so nosy all this time. Or sometimes when i talk with my friends on Skype, they always-somehow came up and keep looking at the screen. And i considered it as a brutal rudeness. These kids needs someone who told them about what they did is wrong. i don't wanna be the one, they interrupting me enough this whole times, its their parents job! 

fuck off!

Well, most of the times I tend to keep quiet and observe, however at others where I can relate knowledgeable thoughts or passions such as of the news around the world, or history of some sort, meaning different more exciting behavior, however only when I am the one that starts the conversation, thus without demanding it from me in the first place.

Do I socialize? I have tried to however that means I am not who I am, it simply was not working out, when I was asked to gather with other people somewhere in the middle of the week, even when I was available and free to do so, but it is not because of shyness, I was though a couple of years ago, like most of the people at that age, but now I just do not like to spend time with unwanted company. And developing the next point I have only worthy companions as a total of 2, (yes it may be sad that I am able to count them on the palm of my hand) yet that does not mean that I do not interact.

I always find myself nervous going to any other shop because it means for me an interaction which will result in a nonsense conversation about sale, or as they say 'anything else?'. Which just makes the process complicated, and possibly my life to a certain extent, but I tend to ignore it, because that is who I am.

I have read many articles on Introverts and Extroverts first of all to see whether it is who I am, and it is who I am. Even I perceive myself as different due to being different to those of my age, yet I do not belong to, you know, a cult or religion or, what's the word, ah subculture, I am just simply an Introvert.

at the end of the day we still are who we are; socially unacceptable, as some people including my parents think that now the world is getting worse since nobody talks to no one anymore and since the era of cell phones came about its being ever worse, yet that people do not see each other face to face. But my explanation is even more simple than theirs, I think that people get to know themselves better than they used to, for example when there was no internet, meaning knowing that one's an Introvert.

Do I think of myself as an Introvert, and am I happy with that? - Yes I do, and for now I am neutral, sometimes it helps, yet sometimes it hinders, that is what I think of it.

Being introverted at a young age was very hard for me because I always felt different or more mature than my peers, trying to fit in didn't help either, it just stressed the fact even more. As I grew older and spent more time with myself I realized there's absolutely nothing wrong with me and I stopped trying to fit in. I was actually more satisfied with myself than I ever was. Now I have a really good friend whom I don't think I would have met if I was still trying to be mainstream. To others I seem mysterious, boring even mean just because I don't like to hang around the huge loud crowds or try to impress others, but why would I need to if I'm happy with who I am already? I guess only an introvert would understand:)

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Happy Birthday Sweet Little Angel

Ga banyak kata yang bisa terucap , aku cuma bisa diam dan bilang "Selamat Ulang Tahun" Kalau kamu masih disini , mungkin dengan sedikit ceplokan telur dan tepung, serta kue ultah dan sedikit kado.

Sulit menggambarkan gimana perasaanku sekarang semenjak kamu pergi. Aku Ikhlas, beneran. Yang sulit adalah gimana aku bisa terus move on tanpa harus dirundung kesedihan tiap ingat kamu, terlalu banyak kebaikkan yang kamu kasih ke aku.

I might not be the best one, i have a lot of problems and flaws. But this whole times, i make sure to myself trying to be better in time, and i never got the chance to prove it to you :(

Biarin di katain lebay juga sih, yang ngerti perasaanku cuma aku sendiri saat ini

Allah punya rencana dibalik ini semua, Aku yakin kamu disana juga sudah bahagia dan lepas dari beban dunia yang selama ini sepertinya gak kunjung selesai. 

Well you can blame it on me for not trying so hard to carry on with my life, but like The script says "How can i move on when the best part of me is always You?"

Since the closest one is always you, thats why i find myself so hard to live my life like i used to be

Back in elementary school . i was never really know you before, i just know that you're one of the prettiest girl in school and everybody loves you. I know that someone like you wouldn't need another best friend because everyone is your best friend. And when we become classmates, the first time you talk to me i was like "Me? You talking to me?" and you smiling into my awkwardness because i never knew someone famous before. I used to have a bunch of best friend back then, but i guess they don't like the way i changed somehow, they left me, they push me to the ground and suddenly become enemies in disguise, i was so lonely. I even afraid of being close with people again, until you came.
We have a lot of in common, Music, Movies, Likes, Dislikes and even Food. We love TERONG.
I guess i was blessed to know you, I don't even know why someone like you wants to be my friend until today.

We become so much closer in High School, ingat banget waktu kelas MOS kita dipisah, aku suruh papa ngomong ke kepsek buat mindahin kita sekelas. Dan kita sekelas dari semester pertama sampai kelulusan, sebangku dan gak mau pindah-pindah lagi. heheh
Kita sama-sama tau kalau SMA is totally feels like Hell! everyone is judge us. The way we dress ourselves, how we always use the same colour. Inget waktu samaan pake Jam tangan , pake bando, pake tas, sampai sepatu yang sebenarnya gak janjian sama waktu itu. Kalau bahas masa SMA, gak kehitung berapa banyak kita Struggles bareng, Sampai akhirnya kita kenal Oze, Riny, dan Indah sebagai sahabat dekat.

Yang paling berkesan selama dekat sama kamu adalah kamu orang nya Pemaaf dan sabar. Beda sama aku yang Egois dan Gak mau kalah, tapi selalu kamu ajarkan aku buat bisa memaafkan mereka yang sudah nyakitin aku. Dan sampai hari ini, aku terus mencoba menjadi orang yang Pemaaf. Kamu mengajarkan banyak hal, yang sebagian orang mungkin biasa aja, tapi berarti bagiku.
Hari ini, semua teman kita semasa SMA ngucapin Selamat Ulang Tahun Buat kamu, Yah. Mereka kangen sama candaan kamu yang cablak, dan Pribadi kamu yg always melts the ice. Aku di ingetin sama Kiky pas ultah ku yang ke-17 waktu itu masih sulit bagi kamu bawa motor mami, karena kamu emang baru bisa, dan itupun aku yang sempat maksa ngajarin kamu. Akhirnya memberanikan diri jemputin Kiki bareng temen yang lain buat ngasih surprise ke aku. Aku masih takjub sama perjuangan kamu bela-belain kerumah dengan nekat naik motor boncengin si kiki. Intinya itu kenangan sweet seventeen yang gak terlupakan deh. Dan malam tahun baru 2008 itu terakhir kalinya kita rayain Pajamas Party bareng dirumah mu, itu emang selalu jadi ritual wajib semenjak SMP , ngumpul dirumahmu sambil dengerin musik , nonton dvd, dan makan pastinya. Malam itu gak seperti biasanya, kita tidur satu ranjang berempat sempit-sempitan sambil curhat sampai ketiduran. Malam yang selalu aku nantikan tiap tahun nya. Dan gak nyangka itu ternyata malam tahun baru terakhir bareng kamu. 

I have a problem with trust issues. I've been betrayed a thousand times, no one ever really wants to be my friend. Maybe that's why i guard myself to be close to people until you say "Hi" to me. You have changed everything, since i'm an introvert and you're extrovert that could be the only difference between us, we're pretty much similar and you just more open to yourself, unlike me. I'm a total loser. Don't have proper friends before and always being used by some people. You taught me so many things, you open my mind, you build up my confidence and slowly break the wall on my trust issues. I know i could be such a selfish and jealous sometimes, i just don't want a distance between us, i don't wanna lose you. You're my only friend, the one who understand me and accept me the way i am. Like a half of me, i don't want you to be apart from me, really. It's so hard to accept the fact that you're gone forever now. Although you still live in my heart, i just sometimes need you in some moment in my life, graduation, happy day or even gloomy day. I wanna share it to you, like we used to do before. 

I could only pray to God that He'll sent my hugs and kisses to you, tell you how much i miss you and how i can't be Me no more. I changed. I can't even notice myself. 

And now we're officially 23 years old woman, so sad i can celebrate it with you. 

Friendship is something i always embrace, so much regrets for not giving a try to be the best one. But however, i know somehow you notice that i tried ao hard this whole times. Its all because i want you to be proud of me.

Happy birthday Syarifah Nadya Rizka Andiny. I miss you x

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Midnight-Anxiety

A couple nights, i feel like i have a heart attack. It happen again, my panic attack from unknown reason, but this time it happen on the midnight and i have some sleepless night recently. The worst thing about having anxiety and panic attack is my body begins to sweat, my heart pounds, Even my ears ring. I'm so nauseated and feels like i'm going to pass out. I just can't function for four to six hours, and can't move. 

I remember the first time i'm having a panic attack, i assumed myself that i'm having a heart attack or something wrong with my heart, so i went to see the Cardiologist and they say i'm fine, and my heart is works perfectly fine. And that time i was sure i'm having a panic attack because it keeps happen on the midnight. I took so many medicine. 

But it can't just being healed by medicine, it still happen as i growing up. 

I vividly remember once panic attack experience at the mall with my parents  when all of a sudden I felt such fear and panic and it felt like everyone around me was blurring up and time was speeding up, my heart was racing and swallowing became difficult. It was insane! I ran out of the store and had to go outside until I calmed down. My Parents had no idea what was wrong with me! I felt terrible. I went to the doctor again and he prescribed me xanax and paxil. I got home and researched these drugs online and was terrified after reading so many awful stories of people who wish they never started taking them because they’re addicted and they feel like zombies!! i decided I wasn’t going to take them.  I started seeing a therapist but after 4 sessions I stopped going because she wasn’t helping me at all. Each session was basically this: She told me to lay down and make myself comfortable, talked for an hour to myself while she wrote down notes, then she would walk me through visualizations and breathing exercises and then she told me I should consider taking xanax! What the fuck man I told her I wasn’t going to take them! So yeah waste of my parents money. Everything she told me I already read in an anxiety books. 

So a couple of nights i start felling anxious again, and my mum told me to take a deep breath and istighfar. It works. I stop being Panic. But after a short sleep , i'm wide awake and it happened again. I was so sure that this Panic Attack are going to take out my life, i'm going crazy like You're fine one minute, and the next minute you're freaking out, it hits you so hard, No one understands how hard it is to overcome anxiety without medications. Anxiety is such a terrible disorder because its basically your own mind sabotaging your life! That’s how I felt, I hated myself for not being able to go out and live normally. The panic attack comes whenever it wants to come, and there's no reason why it appears,I can't turn it off and on with a switch. People think you're nuts, but I'm not crazy.

I had been in a state of panic and anxiety for every single day for a year. I was frustrated and had no idea what was wrong.I was afraid to go anywhere because I was afraid I'd get a panic attack. 

Or when it come to midnight-attack, i always feel like i'm gonna died instantly because of Panic attack. I'm terrified.

And in a daylight, I realised all my anxiety was related to public performance and how well I came across to a stranger or even someone I knew. Hence the anxiety on the road, waiting in a queue, walking in a room full of people and so on. I have this thought in my head that I’m not fully with it and I might collapse. This is the root of my problem and its difficult to get it out of my head.

Back to 2008 the feelings started when i moved to University. They weren't that bad i would just have anxiety that made me feel i was dizzy with my surroundings. I guess it was the new environment i was in. Why can't i be Normal?

And I hate the fact that Twice this week my heart began racing out of control, like I was afraid of something but I don't know what. Along with that I had a sinking feeling. Kind of a very unworldly, lonely feeling. I was really concerned that I might be going crazy. 

I just can't get rid off it, the thoughts about being anxious always keeping me wide awake at night.

And that's what happen to me recently, I just don't know how to spill out the feeling of anxious, so i hope writing this are gonna help me through it.

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Smart People

My life is totally a blank page , i am too confused to write something interesting in it. like i have to sort out everything first , but it's just never end, really. Damn you, smart people, you making me feel small, teehee.

I don't know, i feel like shit when i got pair of with someone who naturally genius or smart and always have anything smart to say , the wise word that come out from their mouth is always sounds right.

I'm not a fashion blogger, i just love writing. Even My writing skills isn't that good, but i love to shares my thoughts on this blog. 

Aku bukan orang yang idealis, atau pun tipe orang yang berperang dengan pikiran untuk bisa selalu di anggap "BENAR". I just write my thoughts into words, even if its not that smart, or interesting. My wanderlust level is higher than a mountain, i always wanna travel the world (You may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one) I love being free and not put up the life to people expectations.

Sebagian memandang ku sebelah mata, bagiku gak masalah sih, kacamata manusia berbeda-beda. Sebagian menganggap aku bukan contoh yang baik , well i never put myself as a role model. Mudah bagi mereka meng-kategori kan hidup seseorang , mereka berasumsi, mereka percaya apa yang mereka lihat adalah gambaran sebenarnya, meski hanya sepintas lalu. Cara yang aneh untuk menilai seseorang. 

Mereka berkata aku munafik , bahkan dengan berkata seperti itu pun sudah membuat mereka menjadi orang yang munafik juga, so, we're on the same path, Sista-- what you're split on me is reflecting who you are.

We all are just living the life, and being happy so why ruined it with your high expectations? Kamu gak bisa begitu saja memaksa seseorang untuk jadi "Sama" seperti kamu, kamu gak memiliki hidupku. Because, i believe that everything always happen for a reason. So, if you assumed i having a real bad life, totally none of your business, right? 

Heran sama mereka. Sedikitpun, aku gak pernah repot dengan mulut mereka mau ngomong apa, mau berpakaian bagaimana, mau menjalani hidup yang seperti apa, i don't give a shit. Tapi, lucu ketika kehidupanku yang mereka sorot, seolah gak ada kehidupan lain dimuka bumi ini yang bisa mereka atur dan mereka bandingkan. 

Aku hanya mengatakan, ketika itu buruk, maka itu buruk. Ketika itu bagus, maka itu bagus. IN MY OWN VERSION. 

Isn't we live in a free country where you can say anything the fuck you want wether it's about Scandal in Government or the chaos in Politics?

I mean, come on! Indirect me through twitter isn't gonna make me changes my mind, thanks for your attention but seriously, you don't know me at all. Kenapa gak diam, lipat tangan , duduk yang manis dan perhatikan bagaimana aku menjalani hidupku tanpa harus komentar di setiap keputusan yang aku buat? Don't be a spoiler, grab your popcorn and watch..! Silently! So, if i wanna judge people, just stand there and watch me makes my mistakes, or if you can't stand it.. Say it to my face! Don't be such a coward who's hiding behind the screen and indirect me from your tweet. Be a good person, say it! 

Even if i'm doing something wrong, I'll learn my lesson. Karma does exist, bitch, you should know that because it's all over the internet. lol but yeah,its my mistakes, my lesson and i know God would guide me. You don't have to be so busy helping me, i don't need your help especially from your indirect tweets, pffft like its gonna work. HAHA!

I can dealt with the neighbors who thought "Udah umur segini kok belum nikah neng?" Can you just shut your smelly mouth up and jump off the cliff or just go swimming in the ocean full of piranha and sharks?Please..

Memang, menikah itu ibadah kepada Tuhan yang maha esa, harus disegerakan, untuk menghindari fitnah. But, HOW ON EARTH YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE EASY? Kesiapan lahir dan Bathin itu juga harus di pikirkan, dan pula masih banyak hal yang pengen aku lakukan sebelum berumah tangga, karena ketika status mu sudah menjadi "ISTRI" intensitas kebebasan to do your own thing pasti akan berkurang.. Ngomong seenak jidat Louhan banget sih. Even my mum thinks i shouldn't be such a hurry. "Jodoh pasti sudah di atur, ketika sampai rezeki mu, kalau mau nikah, ya nikah aja. Mama sih gak maksa" See? this is why i love my mum. 

Mungkin karena banyak tetangga sekitar yang sudah menyandang gelar "Istri" ketika lulus SMA, makanya mereka merasa aneh ngeliat aku keluyuran kesana kemari sama teman-teman , atau jalan sama Pacar sekedar nonton tiap minggu atau nyari kuliner buat menutupi rasa lapar. Mungkin mereka mikir, ya aneh aja, udah 23 tahun kok masih bisa santai, hangout, bisnis ini itu, sedangkan anak mereka tiap hari musti bangun pagi nyiapin teh, sarapan dan hal-hal lain nya untuk sang Suami. Bukan nya menentang nikah muda, tapi tolong JANGAN lah hey kalian yang sudah berumah tangga ngurusin kapan aku bakalan berlabuh di dermaga untuk selama nya, Aku menyerahkan semua nya kepada Tuhan, ketika ada jalan nya, Pasti ku kirim deh undangan nya, gak perlu repot-repot. 

Aku berdua mama kadang ngetawain kalau ada keluarga atau teman mama yang anaknya udah nikah nanya "Duh, Bu As, kapan nih anaknya gendong cucu? Nikahin gih cepetan" WHAT THE FFFFF.. mama langsung ketawa sambil jawab " Ya elah bu, masih 23 ini. Pacarnya juga masih Skripsi, biarin lah dia masih muda puasin main sama temen nya dulu masing-masing biar sekalian mental nya siap, mapan, dan nikah nya gak main-main. Pasti ada saatnya nanti saya kabarin kalau anak saya nikah, gak bakalan di tutup-tutup in kok" Mendadak Si Ibu-ibu kepo pun terdiam. Yeah, You kill them, Mum. 

Jadi inget dulu waktu SMA aku dikatain yang bakal Nikah duluan , karena pacaran udah lumayan lama. Dan nyata nya, mereka yang tadinya ngatain, eh malah duluan, nah loh? Kemakan omongan. heheh peace. Pacaran, bagi aku, gak harus "ayang lagi ngapain" terus kok tiap hari, bisa aja buat teman hangout kalau lagi bokek, pacarku juga kadang jadi tutor buat aku belajar banyak ilmu, kadang bisa buat teman main PS seharian, kadang barengan suka ngatain orang seenak jidat kami, haha kadang jalan dengan uang 20rb di kantong makan di Warung "Tenda Biru" , kadang dia dengan senang hati nyerap ilmu yang aku kasih juga, kadang suka main sampai gila di Amazon atau di ajak jagain kasir kalau aku ngadain Bazar. heheh. We take and give, we're bestfriend, we're like sisters and Brothers, we're like a child that happy in the Park, We're just... Chillin' like a real bestfriend.

So sorry for letting you down, because we're so far from Romance of Shakespeare. 

Masa iya hari gini masih main overprotective ke pacar, sekalian aja kasih tali di leher biar gak kemana mana.

Ok back to laptop, i just don't know why some people who happen to be genius can ruin the image of genius in a second just because they expect people to live in their way. Yes, honey you could be so smart, educated, religious , and independent but you can't lead someone else's life if you haven't walk in their shoes. Yes, you could be a better person  now but that doesn't make you better than anyone. Everybody has their own uniqueness, their own flaws. And so do you, just deal with the fact that things aren't go in the same direction with you, that's why we called it Life. 

I know some people who always brags about how high their education level, yet they still ask me for advices, and sometimes they just lost in their directions and can't understand the things around them. So we shouldn't brag about how educated we are, if you don't know how to give yourself a good motivation to live for, then why are you studying in a very first place? Why are you bragging? There are a lot of things in life that you don't achieve through from your degree. So , stop being so full of Yourself.Be humble instead.

I think it's not fair that sometimes people who had a job, complaining about how suck their day because of work. Be fucking graceful! There are a lot of people out there who struggles to find a space in a workplace. 

A cool kid who rants about how she hates her friends yet still hanging out with them. You motherfucking hypocrites, if you got betrayed, being copied, or get tired of drama, STOP SEEING THEM! Just simple like that. No need to rant,or indirect them with your i-found-this-quotes-on-google thingies.Wasting your times! Why can't your head think fast and go get another nicer friends? Its your own gawdamn fault if you still get hurt over and over again.

all i want is to live freely without care about what people think of me, once i ignored them , but the amount of smart people has increase through all this time hence i'm getting sick of them.  Smart people always finds a way to see other's mistakes. That's why i called it "SMART".

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Crafting Problems

I know lately i've been worried too much about a lot of things , and mostly about my job which is also my hobby-- Crafting. I never thought this is gonna be my job, isn't it perfect when your hobby becomes your job? But the problem is, i also start some fashion product for the side-job and thank god my customers are very enthusiast about it, and i got distracted by the chaos of my side-job effect and forgot what's my main purpose to do this. 

I sometimes had this a lot of idea to start crafting but as you all know that i'm also good at procrastinating, then again it never really done. And when my head full of creativity, i'm getting upset because some of the materials i need for crafting is empty-- i swear i almost crazy lately.
I also a freelance Graphic Designer, I made Logos, Business card designs, Brocures, Banner and all of that advertising stuff. I don't wanna blame it on my other job, i just kinda feel like i have no time for craft anymore and it making me frustrated. Some of my customers even ask about when will the new product will be released (Well, soon my dear). The lack of imagination that got me recently is awful, i can just doing nothing but sleep in a day (Trust me) And the next day where i feel like i have this spirit of arts, something ame up and stop me. For example , 2 days ago, i'm so ready to make my craft idea into a real handmade goods, and then i got a called from my friend that they want to come oever at my house, and believe me when my friends come over, its not just like for 1 or 2 hours, it's for the rest of the day. And yeah, it stops me, i know i'll become more frustrated in the next day.

I mean.. do you see my problems here?

And i've got this plan inside my head, that i'm gonna start making crafty stuff again soon after i get back from my vacation. I'm gonna make portfolio for my product, getting more lesson about advertising or maybe not to procrastinating , and this time i know i'll be more focus, i'll stop doing the Fashion thing, and let my partner handle it, and focus on my crafting. 

My plan for now before my vacation, is just gathering my idea of craft into a paper or to do list so i'm not gonna forget it, create more designs, and if its possible , shoot another pictures for the products and put it on the store. Oh man, i just need a strong motivation--i think. 

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Couldn't get any worst

Man, i'm getting sick writing about my Anxiety Disorder, but it's the only way i survive when it comes to hit me down. My anxiety can be so overwhelming at times, especially on days like today where I get anxious about the littlest things. I hate when I feel anxious because it makes me feel like i’m going crazy and I don’t want to feel like that. I was actually starting to feel like myself for a few days which is why I wasn’t posting but today just set me off and I’ve been anxious on and off all day and I can’t stand it. What I hate though is when people just say that you need to get over it because anxiety isn’t something that you can just get over in a couple minutes. It’s something that for me eats away at me and is hard to just forget about even when I want to. I just want to get to a point where I can just not let things bother me and not feel so anxious over nothing or even anxious about feeling anxious.

 

The picture above is tells exactly whats on my mind this whole times, i couldn't find any good words to describe how those feels, but this one is similar to me.

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In Memoriam

2 years ago , i've got a lot of Baby Hamster. They're cute and adorable, i always playing with them. At first i was so good on taking care of them, as the time goes by, i don't know whats going on--i think i'm a little busy for my final project, so my mum took a part to taking care of my baby hamster until they growin' up and i think they're hate me. So , my mum is in charge. And on the final September, i adopt a new cat, we named him Katy at the first, because we don't know that he was a Boy, and then we changed his name into Kenshi. And my mum become more close with kenshi. And one by one my Hamster is getting sick and Died. And Now only one got left. I feel like a bad person for letting them getting sick and dying one by one. 

Here are some photos of my baby hamster. Rest in peace, buddy

 Isn't their cute ^__^

 The way his mischievious looks is tickles me

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Procrastinator and tourist

The second day of fasting, wow can you believe how fast the time goes by its already the second day. My first fasting day is slightly good, i spent the half day with my friend Nhana. We sing a lot until our throat is sore and dry, lucky for Nhana, she's in the Red day mode at the moment, so she wouldn't worried about being exhausted. And then we decided to go home because the heat outside is madly hot. On our way back home i walked past to a good looking tourist who looks almost like Dave Franco, i'm amazed and jaw-dropping. And he was staring me like "dafuq are you looking at" and that time i am absolutely sure that he is Dave Franco. Haha i bet he thinks i'm a weirdo.

And movin on to our way back home, Nhana decided to visit a computer store to fix her laptop, i waited outside until 2 young good looking tourist walkin' to my way and the other one is the one i assumed as Dave Franco, they're look so tired and... Reddish. Well you know, we have difference skin tone. And since its so hot that day, they look like they're about to melt. Well i'm the one who melting i guess lol. Nhana notice that i look like an idiot staring at those two guy an she snap me from my beautiful view. "Let's go home" she said. 

Nhana is so galau that day, and i thought i'm not gonna be bothered by that until she keep telling about her problems pessimisticly, and yes i end up guiding her what to do. 

And after Nhana left, i have this whole planing to re-arrange some stuff, writing on this blog, writing on my journal but That was never happen! I'm procrastinating again, this is not healthy. I don't know why i always stop myself from doing anything in my to-do-lists, its not that hard but something has stopped me. I can't even fight myself for not to do that. 

Like today, i was making some plan last night, tidy my room, making some arts, writing my journal, but it took me forevaaaa to do all of those. And the only thing i did is finally editing my template on blog and posting this chapter. I'm not lazy, i have the urge to manage all of the plan and to do it one by one, i just put it all on the slowliest progress. I think i became un-motivated more than ever. I need suplements or bunch of vitamin. Ugh help!

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