Jogjakarta

I just woke up and sits on my balcony this morning , and I feel the cold windy air breezing. I started realise that I miss Jogjakarta so much. The morning weather that making me so excited to going on adventure , and how people getting so busy in the morning. Every little things about Jogja is amazing.

Oh how I miss you, Jogja xx

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I love you because...

Hello there

So its the time for me again to share what's going on lately. I spent a lot of times with the people i love. I don't deny it sometimes we have arguments and fights but at some point we still manage ourselves to get over it and be happy again. And That making me realize i never really say it to them how much i love him. he always supporting me in my Ups and Downs. I could never thank you enough.

So i was inspired by Sprinkle Of Glitters A.k.a Louise From her blog about This . So i thought i need to do that too.

Dear Oz , (I love how it sound when i say it)

I'm sorry about all of the things that makes you frustrating, i know i could be really annoying and hyperactive sometimes. I could just ruin your assignments just because i want your attention. 

I love you because, You never complaint, and you always know how to deal with that. 

At the rough times because i feel so stressful about Works and stuff, you literally always be there when i need to chat. And sometimes they way you giving advice is kinda offensive me because i'm too stuborn to deal with the honest truth from you.

I love you because, you did that for my own good, about how i should be more self-conscious, not being in a rush to get a decisions to make, that's simply taught me to be more patient and calm. My temper is something i need to beat up because it's not good for me. So, thank you for that.

I love you because you cuddles me when we're watching DVD's and STILL cuddles me when you're watching your favourite football team's match. 

I love you because you SEE me. I remember back when i was in Middle school, i'm that ugly duckling who had a crush to a senior like you. In that moment, i thought its impossible to have you as a boyfriend. But You SEE me, and you accepting me the way i am. In the land of the beauty chicks on school, you SEE me and you CHOOSE me to be your girlfriend. It's like a dream come true. You see my flaws, you see my imperfections but you choose to stay because you said that you SEE something in me that greater than any other great things in this world.

I love you because you hold my sweaty hands when i feel anxious being around the crowd.

I love you because you don't mind if i stole your jacket or your big t-shirt to comfortable me at night when you're being far away (tho you only left for a couple days)

I love you because you respect me as a woman

I love you because you bring out the best in me like no one else can do (Yep that's a song )

I love you because now i'm out of words to explain how just i love you for this 10 years relationship

 

Thanks for everything

x

i love you

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Simply because I'm Happy

Almost 3 months since I moved out from my comfort zone , And everything is going on very well. This makes me thinking what if I'm not taking my opportunity from the very first time? What if I'm too afraid to leave my comfort zone? I'm not gonna be as happy as I am right now.

Things changed pretty fast than I ever thought.
I was dreaming about my old friend back when I was in college. Its so good to catching up with her again since the last time we spoke like 1 half a years ago. Maybe that dream trying to give a messages for me to searching out of her. Or no. I'm not sure , I didn't got the invitiation on her wedding like she promised me before. Thats when I know I don't have a role anymore in her life.
Woah, its so sad to know the person who used to be your best buddies become a stranger. I never heard anything from her since then.

While I'm getting over it , I'm trying to get myself together to start a new life without worrying about people who being so evil behind my back. That's where they belong. behind me. So I'm gonna move forward leaving all the bad memories behind with past. Though its good or bad.

I start to love my job, its anything that I could dream of. The people, the pressure , the laughs when we got nothing to do, the silent , the faults , horrible boss, and stuff. It somehow help me to keep walking to the future in front of me , it helps me to fight my depression. So I'm in love with my job.

I keep losing friends , that's fine. I only have the best one, and God keep her safe in heaven. I regret nothing. All of these people, who called themselves "a friend" always come and go in my life like there's a big door to another dimension , so anyone could come whenever they need something from me. Its such a shame they don't know who lifted them when they don't have anyone to make them happy when they're down. Its funny I always be sort of "sweet escape" from their reality. When they need to get away from their home, they knock on my door, when they need someone to hear their shittiest life story, they call on me, when they need some money, they trying so hard to reach on me, when they need someone to cover up their secrets, I'm the one who always there to keep it safe.
Its good, right? It means they can count on me, I'm being a good friend. But at the end of the day, when they life finally getting much better, when their dumb boyfriend is begging them for another chance , or when they new friends is cooler than me, Without hesitation and not even a single alert , THEY FUCKING DITCH ME. awesome. All these people do, is just Awesome!

I became invisible again.

But yeah at least this time, I know where I stand. These people can suck their own sad sad tears when karma kicks them on the head. Because I don't give a shit.

Its too bad, some of them is just a good people. (Or I thought they were)

I never been this happy in my life (not a sarcasm) its like the weight is finally got lifted from my shoulder , I feel ... Infinite.
All of the bad people has gone, and I knew this is a new start of living the life. I start cook again, craft a little bit, and dance to an old school music. Its good ya know , to let it all go. Like a newborn baby, I learn step by step to be happy again. Though I never go across a country, attend a huge party, or in a gigs, I know my life would be just fine after all. And that's enough , I don't have to feel anxious anymore.

I feel good. This is what God has promised me since the first my heart got broken for a fucking friendship. The good feeling at the end of the tunnel.

So guys, if you have this mean people in your life, don't let them step on your life like its belong to them. Stand up for yourself and leave all the bad things behind. Then you'all probably feel like everything is finally gonna get better for you . trust me :)

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The Thoughts

I think a lot. I admit it. 

I think about a lot of things, at night, in the morning when i woke up, even when i just sit and doing nothing. My head keep pulling out infinite question. I think deep down in my heart i just really curious to know about how some things just work in this universe. And sometimes my mind push me to the edge of emptiness, where i can think about something and suddenly "Wooooshh" it just gone and i don't even know what i was thinking.

Looks like i trapped in my own thoughts, it became a part of me. I couldn't stop thinking, sometimes i write it on the notes or just keep it to myself. Maybe This Thoughts warn me that i'm alive. I'm okay. Or it just how our brain works . For Thinking. Idk.

Sometimes i create some beautiful poetry and perfect words in my mind that it too beautiful it makes me cry somehow. And at some other time, i hate the way my mind thinks that i'm not doing good enough so i tortured myself to keep thinking about it. I still don't know how my mind works. 

This thoughts save me from doing anything reckless. I love how it still can find a way to make me walk straight to the line in front of me, and i always keep the positive thoughts in mind, just to remind me when i have negative thoughts coming to be prepared and not letting myself to be trick of. 

My thoughts, maybe it just another me crumbling in another molecule in my head to save me from emptiness. 

Thank you, Thoughts

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Things are changes for me

A few months ago i was in a miserable days where i struggle each day just to keep breathing and feeling okay about myself.

I hate everything almost everyday in my daily basis. Maybe because i just getting a lot of sick from people being mean and cruel around me.

Like an abandon house i was so miserable, cold and dark. I almost give up on life like a part of my body wants me to quit, but my brain told me "NO! Don't give up, there's gotta be something good happen for you, just hang in there a little bit longer and see!"

So I follow what my brain said. It turns out to be a great decisions and the best one that i ever made in my life. Because, Why would i wanna spend more time to be sad and anxious. Live the life you have,because when you're dead, all you got left in this world is memories for the people you leave behind, so make it worth. 

All my so called friends left me, SO WHAT? If they are a good friends, they will took an effort to fix everything, not leave. And I thank God because i finally can see their true colours. If they don't wanna took a place in my life, they certainly don't deserve my time. So i'm gladly to know that the bad vibes finally taking out from my life, to keep me going and stand still. It's my life, not them so screw them all!

My boss are horrible sometimes, but yet he saw a good potential in me so that makes him a good one. Like, giving me a chance to be better me. And boss are always horrible anyway, but yeah, i'm happy with what i'm doing right now, got the job, got a new stage in life and finally woke up not feeling anxious. I'm good with that.

Yes, life could be pretty difficult sometimes, life can torn your soul apart, life can makes you scared and confused. But that doesn't mean you have to give up on what you hold this whole times, I still got the chance to do the things i love, I got my lovely family near me, a lovely boyfriend who willing to do anything for me, so i'm grateful. We should be grateful, correct me if i'm wrong. 

Depression could somehow bring me to the lowest point in life, but i keep trying to searching that light, that can help me to go through the darkness point in my life, i will never stop. 

From now on, i'll forgive and forget to all those friends who ever came into my life , shared their memories and then just leave me without a warn. i forgive them all and also i'll forget them, cut them from my memories queue because i don't wanna keep the negative and bad thoughts about how hurt i am , about how they crushes my heart. So i proud to myself that i can finally say "Goodbye my old pals, may the odd be ever in your favor. Don't come to find my shoulder anymore, because i promise to myself that i would never ever ever ever forever be the one who's gonna be there again when you down. I'm done being used by you!"

Ah, life is good isn't it. You can see the clouds moving on the bright blue sky in the midday, feel the wind on your hair, and just do whatever you want as long as you're not giving up.

That's an infinite happiness.

Stay awesome,

Ai

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Getting Sick

I guess there was a really one perfect day that I could spent without getting sick of everything. Getting sick of situation , getting sick of other people , or even getting sick of myself from feeling sick about anything.
I used to blamed everything on myself when shit happens, but guess what happen. I'm getting sick of it too. Its just too complicated to explain.
I never have a problem with people who rich and spend their money to buy the shit out of world and brag about it, what irrittates me is those bitchies who tries so hard to look rich so everyone might bow down to her, hell fucking Nah, you disgust me ! And I saw this shit over and over again through all social media (except Twitter because I don't follow any stupid hoes in there) i' m talking about BBM, PATH , and stuff that goes viral in this damn country.
This bitch will do ANYTHING to achieve their goals to get their free tickets into a dumb ass jerk who lucky enough.
I think i'm a witness to a lot of shit that happen around me.
I saw how 18 year old girl ruined her life for money, the worst is, she choose the married man who have two daughter that loves him so much, they must be so devastating if they found out about this stupid affair. I know, because I've been there, in that position as a child who feel confused about what's going on with their family.
And that .. Is the thing that makes me even more sick with people.

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My Life Recently

It's been a very busy month for me, Got a new job in town, i love it but somehow it quite exhausting. I struggle to manage the time for sleeping , resting , and eat so it making me a little weak this week. 

I figured out that all those people i used to hang with that i proudly called them as a "friends" is literally leave, and i'm done with this stupid cycle. 

I decided to moving on with my life, i'm not gonna stop and trying to rewind everything in the past. Fuck it! Next time, when they need someone to talk to in the loneliest day of their life, i won't sit there listening their ups and downs stories with a box of tissue. NOT AGAIN. I really done with those game. 

You can't just getting close to people, hang out with them, call them a friend, and then when you're on the top of your life, you ditched them, you call them "Nothing" and decided to cut the friendship you had. thats fucking rude. 

But then you can come whatever the fuck you want to ask FOR A HELP? from ME? The Annoying Friend in your famous little life? 

Well, I'm sorry i'm not popular. 

I can't get used to crowded  mobbing me and calling my name. I would never fit with those channel , Gucci, or Prada bag that you had. And i'll never be as SAINT as you are. 

I'm not going out to a party for having fun, or travel often to be notice. I'm not about that life.

See? i'll never be good enough to them, there's always wrong about me. I'm just a nerd that sits in front of computer for them , or the stupid introvert who never have a group of friends to hang out with. 

YES. I'm proud of myself, because its... ME. ! I'm not pretending to be anything, I'm just Me. I'm not join in some of community that fights against idealism of something, I'm not having a rich mum or dad to pay the bills and food. I can't just spend a thousand dollars just for a coffee or sits in the first class on airplane. I have a lot of responsibility that i have to think of. 

I'll never be good enough so why would i stay this time? maybe god want me to moving on because they're not a real friend. That's okay, don't be sorry. At least i learned something from this stupid shit. 

I'm done being good to anyone, or even get close to anyone. I'm tired wiping everybody's tears when they cries and got kicked out when they have a bright day. 

So, i'll be focus on my works from now on. I don't wanna think about them anymore. it's wasting my time.

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The Unexpected Goodbye

And after all that left is You, and now you wanna say goodbye. I know it was all my fault to let myself falling in love with you.

It such a curse, not the Love Part, but the Falling one. I was so happy everytime you talk to me through a thousands words that i can't explain. You speak right to my soul, you understand me. 

I always amazed by your kindness. You put other people's happiness first. 

but this time, the words that comes out from your mouth is just like a knife that stab me in the throat. 

"I want you to look after yourself" 

and i know since you said that, it was an unexpected goodbye

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